The Do’s and Don’ts of Supporting Someone Who is Grieving
Death.
Death makes people uncomfortable. It’s painful. It’s physically permanent. Sometimes it is unexpected, and other times it can be seen coming for a long time. Regardless, it doesn’t hurt any less. The makeup job on the deceased looks nothing like them. The smell of the flowers is sickening and sour.
Death is such a huge change in someone’s reality that the magnitude of it can be difficult for people to navigate—whether you’re the one experiencing the loss or someone trying to support a grieving person.
Today, let’s talk about some Do’s and Don’ts of supporting someone who is grieving.
DO: Ask “What do you need?”
DON’T: Use cliches such as “Time heals all,” “Everything happens for a reason,” “They’re in a better place.”
Why:
Honestly, no one wants to hear age-old words that no longer hold real meaning. It’s often obvious when someone is trying to fill the awkward space that death creates.
Clichés can minimize a person’s grief and the magnitude of their loss.
Instead, ask the grieving person what they need. This makes the interaction more personal and reminds them they still have agency during a time when everything may feel out of control.
If they struggle to identify what they need—which is very common—offer a few options such as:
“If you need someone to just listen, I’m here.”
“If you don’t want to talk but just need someone to sit with you, let me know.”
Someone did the latter for me when my mother passed away, and it was one of the most helpful things anyone offered at that time.
DON’T: Talk just to fill the silence
DO: Allow quiet
Why:
This is often when clichés get tossed around and unintentionally add to the frustration of grieving.
Silence can feel uncomfortable, especially when loss is involved. But it’s not the grieving person’s responsibility to make others feel comfortable in that silence.
They will already be dealing with a lot of new silence in their life.
Sit quietly with them.
Trust me—you’ll be fine.
DON’T: Talk about how they should feel grateful to have known the deceased.
DO: Ask “How are you feeling?”
Why:
Do you really know enough about someone’s relationship with the deceased to tell them how they should feel?
Even if you spent time with them together, you never fully know what exists inside someone’s mind or behind the closed doors of their relationship. Outside perspectives and second-hand information never tell the full story.
Unless you actually share the same heart and mind as the person grieving, don’t assume and don’t imply how they should feel.
Instead, ask how they’re feeling and allow them to share what’s happening internally.
It can be intimidating to not know how to respond.
That’s okay.
Sometimes simply sitting with someone is the most meaningful support you can offer.
DON’T: Judge how someone is processing their grief.
DO: Check in and leave the door open.
Why:
Everyone grieves differently.
Some people go to the gym twice as often.
Some throw themselves into work.
Some isolate.
Some immerse themselves in faith or spirituality.
Some cry openly.
Some don’t cry at all.
As long as someone isn’t harming themselves or others, allow them to move through their own process.
Check in with them occasionally. Let them know you’re available if they want to talk or need anything.
And don’t criticize someone if they don’t cry at a funeral or appear stoic. Just because crying is part of your process doesn’t mean it has to be part of theirs.
FINAL THOUGHTS: RESPECT MATTERS
Grief is not a problem that needs solving. It’s a human experience that needs space.
When someone loses a loved one, their world shifts in ways that can be difficult to understand from the outside. In those moments, people can often feel the urge to fill the silence with advice, explanations, or comforting phrases. But one of the worst things we can do is minimize a person’s experience—whether that’s through empty clichés or by telling them how we think they should feel.
Death does not care about age, rank, or status. Loss touches people from every walk of life, and because of that, grief deserves to be met with humility rather than judgment. No one has the authority to dictate how someone else should process the absence of someone they lost.
Sometimes the most meaningful support isn’t about saying the right thing. It’s about being willing to sit in the discomfort, listen without assumptions, and allow someone the space to experience their loss in their own way.
Because in the presence of genuine support, people don’t need their grief explained or corrected.
